Could I Have Hit The Nail Much Harder On The Head?

Oh man, I really could not give a flying fuck about the whole Lance Armstrong doping case that everyone - even the mainstream media - is talking about right now. I mean, for one reason, Brynne: My Bedazzled Life is currently on TV, and that's more interesting. Paul Licuria is on it and hot damn that man is a babe. I can almost forgive him for playing for Collingwood he's so fucking handsome. No one - I repeat, no one - in the Reasoned Decision document is as good looking as him (even if Michael Barry comes close, in a rough night, overlook the hair kinda way), and as such, my interest is already on the wane.

And then, you know, I had to go to work. And today we had students for the first time this term. They were all uncertain and trying to get to know each other and a little silly and show-off-y. We were all flat out flat out. I didn't even have time to check fixed.org, let alone read two hundred and two pages of legal documents. Man, I even got bored typing out the number just then.

And also, I've been really clumsy lately. I always thought I was kinda graceful - at least, ever since Alanna Rudolf told me that I was when she saw me rollerblading in year 12. My hand-eye co-ordination is pretty good (if Super Mario Brothers is any indication); I can mark a footy ok and rip out one hell of a slapshot and learn any variety of dance move, if given enough time; I can use any variety of dining implements. But lately I've been all over the freaking shop - the other day, for instance, I was holding an open packet of icing sugar, and it simply slipped out of my hands. I have no idea how - one minute I was holding it, the next minute:

And that's just the most aesthetically hilarious example. The last few months I've been bumping into things, knocking things over, making messes everywhere. It's kinda ridiculous, and, furthermore, kinda embarrassing. I have no idea what the hell is going on, but whatever the hell is, it's way more interesting than Lance Armstrong doping case. Because, you know, even if it is embarrassing, it's kinda funny, if not to me, then definitely to everyone else around. Those USADA lawyers should really have included some jokes.

But you know, the real reason that the Lance Armstrong doping case holds about as much interest for me as an impassioned debate in a 1994 issue of HeartattaCk zine about Jawbreaker selling out is that it just doesn't fucking make any difference to me whatsoever. There's about fifty people in the entire world whose lives will be in some way different after this case is all done and dusted, and they have every right to be all up in arms, feel angry or betrayed or upset. But surely for the rest of us the interest is purely academic - any emotional reaction seems weird and a little misplaced. The guy may have cheated, and he might get busted for it, but so what? There are babes on TV, work is busy, and lately I've been tripping over my own feet as if I'm Buster fucking Keaton. Spend your time checking that shit out instead.

Blessed And Powerless.

Jamesy and I are sitting in the living room. It is the first time we have seen each other in days, so of course we are spending this time our respective computers, trolling the internet for lolz. Well, actually, he's making a playlist for his impending trip to Sydney, and I'm looking up Jawbreaker lyrics. Both activities seem equally vital, but in an attempt to engage on some level, may I present to you the newest edition of XBBX and FJ talk pro cycling!

B: So, Jamesy, what's happening in pro cycling these days? I have no idea. I don't even know the cyclingnews.com website any more.

FJ: Holy shit, I have no idea.  I'm too busy riding in the sun to bother about professionals getting paid to take lots of red blood cells and wear tight cloths.  I mean, Phillipe 'I wear nose strips at all times' Gilbert just won the world champs on a course which was, basically, made for the dude.  Following his victory, the Italians made a lot of excuses, as they do every year, and Gerrans talked about being out of form and too short to do anything.  I just read on cycling news that Contador won his first one day race.  I've never heard of the race, but he looked happy in the photo of him crossing the line.  I suppose he's back on the steaks.  Not vegan.

B: It did look like the Italians handed Gilbert the world champs on a platter, which probably also carried some provolone and a delicious marscapone, therefore also deeming the entire world championships Not Vegan. That's a shame, because I was proper stoked with Marianne Vos' winning ride. What a mad dog. Folks blah blah blah on about Gilbert being the next Eddy Merckx, but hell, Vos has now won world champs on the track, road, and even in freaking cyclocross. I bet she'd even school folks in BMX, should she turn her ambitions that way.

FJ: Yeh it's a shame that she hasn't gotten more attention during her career hey?  We don't need her though!  Because our very own Anna Meares raced cross just the other week!  Seeing a track sprinter race cross must be a bit like seeing a cheetah knee deep in some Belgian mud, trying to lick embro off it's paws.  Read: never.  And, as I say to anyone asks, cross is just as hard as crits, but you go very slow and are covered in mud.  And people throw beer on you which, though it sounds hilarious, is distinctly un-funny when it happens eight times in a row.  So Vos can have that if she likes. 

B: On that topic, hipster target of affection Katie F'n Compton has announced she is going to ride the US National Madison Championships with friend of The New Timer Cari Higgins. I like this idea a lot. I can imagine muddy CX racers flipping out about having to put more than 50psi in their tyres, or realizing that they can wear their skinsuits non-ironically, or that there are races out there that are more spectator friendly than any cyclocross race anywhere. In fact, I like it so much, I may try to convince Lewis to come race the next Vic Madison Champs with me.

FJ: Well, first off, I had no idea who Katie Compton was, so I googled her.  Looks like she races a lot of cycling cross.  Good on her.  In regards to her racing a madison, that should be pretty funny I reckon.  It's funny you mention that track can be super spectator friendly.  We hear all these stories about track cycling being real popular back in the day, especially in rural Australia.  It was the kinda thing you went to watch on a Friday night, just like the footy.  It's almost as if cross has filled that role here, in Melbourne at least.  Which is kinda rad, but also kinda sad, because there's so much other racing that could have the same atmosphere and community, grass roots spirit.  I mean, I can wax lyrical about the creation and fostering of community all I want but, really, cycling has always been a sport where a bunch of scum get blind.  Whether it be at the track in the forties, at cross today, or on the high mountain passes at the Tour or Giro.

B: Not Edge.

FJ: No. Fuck, I love getting blind.

B: You're certainly better at it than you are racing the cycling cross.

FJ: If I had jumped a barrier for every time I have sunk a beer, I would probably be better than Lewis.  Fortunately, we have an agreement.  I am going to show him how to pick up girls if he shows me how to race a bike.

B: But Jamesy, Lewis is really good at racing cyclocross.

FJ: Yes.  We are going to trade equivalent skills. 

B: Uhhh, ok. Good luck with that. Anyways, transfer season is upon us, and your mate Mark Cavendish looks to be heading over to Omega-Pharma-Lotto. It'll be sad to see him and Wiggo go their separate ways, hey?

FJ: Well we can be sure the cornish pastie quota for Sky will halve.  I like to think of Wiggo and Cavendish as this odd-couple, who really love each other, but can't get past each others differences.  Wiggo probably walks into Cav's room, singing 'We Fell In Love In A Hopeless Place', this filthy smile on his face, while Cav just stares intently at replays of his victories on some i-pad like device.  Likewise, by the same token, I see Cav as the kinda guy who would lie in wait in a cupboard for hours, wearing a fitted sheet and a shoebox on his head, just so he can spring out at the exact moment Wiggins is at his most relaxed, stretched out, listening to The Jam, and scare the shit out of him.  The beef brought about by the 2008 Olympic madison has obviously settled but, obviously leading very skinny ankled men up the Alps isn't Cav's idea of fun.  Perhaps, through distance, their love will grow strong again.  I will miss seeing Wiggo in the yellow jersey, mixing it up in the bunch, to get Cav a good lead out though.

B: Yeah, me too. For me, that was one of the highlights of this year's Tour. And finally, Jamesy, I was just over at Velonews and stumbled upon this picture. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

FJ: No wonder they DNFed.  Who the fuck wants to be seen in that kit? You can just tell the short guy looking into the middle distance is watching Cavendish re-arrange his wang.

B: And, we're done.

These Broken Guitars.

xbbx: Alright, so FJ, it's been fucking ages. Let's talk pro cycling!

FJ?

James?

Jamesy?

FJ: HELLO

BEEN TRYING TO BUY FOOTY TICKETS

xbbx: Oh yeah? I thought cycle racer types didn't like football.

FJ: That is incorrect. Footy is a great game. I like going to games and yelling MONGREL and BALL a lot.

Xbbx: Do you ever go to cycle races and yell out MONGREL and BALL?

  

FJ: It depends if Gene is racing or not, but generally, I'll yell something about sandbagging, and occasionally I might accuse someone of not pulling a turn. But as the great Steve 

Duggan says, "Speak with your legs". This is, unfortunately, where I run into trouble.

Xbbx: Your leg mouths don't work?

FJ: Not very well no, they kind of wheeze a lot.

Xbbx: Maybe you should get an asthma pump for your legs. Apparently they're all the rage in the pro peloton. Which, incidentally, is what we're here to talk about.

FJ: Yeh that's true. Thoughts on the state of peleton?

Xbbx: well, the Tour de France is coming up. I know, because Rolly told me about it. It sounds like a pretty big deal.

FJ: It's like the Giro, but with a more respectable jersey colour, and the stages are more boring.

Xbbx: Totally. Though this year a bunch of the stages are a bit shorter, which is nice. I don't need to wait six hours to see the breakaway get reeled in and Cavendish win a stage.

FJ: Man all the tour nerds will hate that. They love nothing more than watching 9 hours of grainy footage of very skinny men ride through sunflower fields. I prefer to sleep and watch the highlights. That way all the boring stuff (cycling tactics) is gone and all the good stuff (crashes, tears, and winning) is all present. It doesn't mean Wiggins' ankles are gone though. They're still there, weird as ever.

Xbbx: Those ankles are likely to win the Tour, Jamesy.

FJ: Yes but consider the style Bailey. Evans won the tour too. But what are we talking about? His chin, and his dog. I will concede, however, Wiggins has excellent sock height

Xbbx: If I hear another word about fucking sock height I will fucking quit cycling altogether and just drive everywhere forever more. Oh, wait...

FJ: Socks are important Bailey, you can't just rage quit cycling because no one likes your Adidas ankle socks.

Xbbx: EVERYONE LIKES MY ADIDAS 4 FOR $20 ANKLE SOCKS.

FJ: Yes, yes. anyway. What do you think will happen to Cadel?

Xbbx: I think he will crash at some point, cry at some point, and eventually do something heroic that makes us all love him, but he won't win.

FJ: Yeh, either that, or he will just flat out suck. Like, I’m talking falling off eight times in a time trial Alex Rasmussen style

Xbbx: Nah, see, I think he'll go alright, but won't win. Because if he won, he'd no longer be our 'little Aussie battler', and the Herald-Sun would start to be all blase about him.

FJ: Yeh, it's true, we love ourselves some battlers that win, but we love battlers that don't win even more. Like the Anzacs at Gallipoli. I'm the first to admit that even my steely, ice cold heart was melted when Cadel won last year, but I'm back with fresh poison and cynicism and I reckon he's gonna choke. Meanwhile Wiggo will take his little ankles and pedal his way to a certain flawless victory. Or, alternatively, and I will admit that this is less likely, Cavandish will win. This will only occur if he just keeps riding after his sprint victories. He'll make up a lot of time that way. He ain't too clever, so I think this is probably an outside twenty to one chance.

Xbbx: You may be on to something there. Cavendish may have mellowed a little bit due to fatherhood, however. I'm also concerned that he's peaking for the Olympics, and won't be on song for the tour. Have you seen him lately? Dude looks skinny as all hell.

FJ: No, I don't look at in form athletes because I am flat out fat right now (sorry Duggan). That said, he does seem to have less of a pot belly. I reckon he'll race the first half or so of the tour, then fuck off to recover for the Olympics, where he will inevitably realize, at some point during the road race, that cycling in the Olympics is like tennis in the Olympics, which, by the way, is like wearing a beret. Fucking retarded. He will then probably leave the race to go eat pasta. Or maybe a cornish pastie. And good on him.

Xbbx: I gotta say, I'm pretty stoked to see Peter Sagan in the tour this year. Remember how excited everyone was about Phillippe Gilbert last year? Yeah, if you take everyone's excitement, and distill it down into one person, that's me about Peter Sagan. Dude is a mad dog. I wanna see him take a lap on the Champs D'Elysees.

FJ: He probably will. I love that guys twitter account. I feel like there might be some real theatrics from people like Sagan

Xbbx: There better be. Because the tour is so important it can be a little dull at times, hey. One day racing is so much better.

FJ: Exactly. It's make or break. No time to consider, no time to let settle in. In the tour, so much is on the line. Sponsorship, team deals, money, that people are cautious. The only real excitement comes from either nobodies who are looking for their 15 minutes, or from the GC riders when shit gets really real. But that's usually like about half an hour collectively over 70 hours of racing. Like I said, plenty of time to make tea. 

Actually, I never said that, sorry

Xbbx: So why do we all get so excited about the tour then? Is it just because it's on every night for three weeks? That's like three straight weeks of Christmas!

FJ: I’m not sure. I think because of the drama that is created. It's like the theatre. Actually, no, it's more like a soap opera. You tune in to see what the next installment will bring. You spend three weeks watching humans, just like you, but nothing like you, slowly but surely bury themselves for a myth, an image: to be the best. To become an immortal. People bullshit about cycling being the modern day gladiatorial conflict, which is rubbish because there are no lions or Christians. But there is a sense in which these guys are trying to immortalize themselves. History is so entwined in the tour, perhaps because it plays out on the same stage every year, that it develops a sense of narrative. Legendary climbs become so much more than, say, a 9% average gradient. They become a story. And that's what we tune in for.

That and Gabriel Gate

Xbbx: Fuck James, that was, like, poetry n shit. I reckon that might do us for tonight, in fact.

FJ: Now I sound like a wanker.

And for the record, Gabriel, we all know you're in Frankston

YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE

Xbbx: Beautiful. Thanks FJ!

Catch The Train Home And Watch Eastenders.

Our correspondent from Stanford, Cam McKenzie, chimes in with some thoughts...


The prototypical BMXer is a 14 year old with torn jeans and a penchant for whatever music their parents don't like, some jacky D mixed up in a coke bottle and a doobie between their lips. You wouldn't think there is a lot of overlap between them and the strava-segment-racing, power-meter-having roadies that ride crits, is what I'm saying. You'd be wrong. We can learn from these kids. How to win crits, as told by BMX videos...


1. Finesse

It's a hard race, but not a stupid hard race. Just annoying hard. Little breaks have been forming and getting swallowed back but nothing goes anywhere. Forty-seven minutes in, one sneaks away and this time it takes a little longer to come back. And then it's still not back. And now it's out at 12 seconds. It sits there and sits there and then slowly pulls away. People are still chasing. Some guy has snuck in there who hasn't really pulled hard all day, but he's pulling now. Two laps to go, he rides away from everyone else with a litttle acceleration. Still in the saddle, not even really a full blown attack. Next thing you know, you see him receiving a cash-filled envelope as you cross the finish line in 14th place. How can it be so effortless?





2. Creativity

You didn't even think to jump that traffic island and pull 4 seconds out in the corner. You especially wouldn't think to do it while the biggest team in the race is leading out. But this guy would. He knows it's kinda silly. But he also knows how to confuse people. And once they think too hard, they look at each other and slow down. And once they slow down, he notches up another race win, even though you always beat him in training. He's not better than you. He's just way more interesting.




3. Being much better than you

I hate those racers who can jump higher, sprint faster and climb better. Sure, it's because they train hard, but it still doesn't seem fair. They don't really need to think. They just wait until they are bored and then ride away for the win. They probably have more success with the opposite sex than you or me. And more satisfying jobs. And better relationships with their parents. Whatever, I'm happy being me.




4. Being way fucking crazier

Like the jelly belly pro I saw riding the far right gutter on the hell ride, or the guy who got banned from racing at st kilda, or any of the gnarly sprinters who win without training. They eat deep fried food, they drink on weeknights. And race nights. They probably couldn't climb with a B grader unless you told them there was a prime at the top of the hill. When you crash going 40km/h you get in an ambulance. When they crash going 55km/h they take a lap out. And damned if they didn't just pick up $200 out at some industrial park in Mulgrave on Sunday morning. It isn't clear that you couldn't do what these guys do. It is clear that you wouldn't though.




5. The rest of us.

We put in as much effort as the next guy. Unfortunately, the result isn't always so good. Was the issue not working hard enough, or did we do the wrong thing? Maybe if the van pulled us in a little quicker it would have been a good idea.

Patriocentricity.

Ok, so it's Friday Round-up time, but I'm going to re-label this one the Friday Rant-up, because I've only really got one event to write about, but I've got a whole lot more things to rant about. And it's my blog, so it's my prerogative.

Firstly, the event is the Women's Madison Session to be held at the Harrison St Velodrome in the People's Republic of Brunswick on Sunday at 9am, weather permitting. Should go until about 11, which means that you'll still have time to go out to lunch with your mum for mother's day. Monique Hanley, who I've mentioned about a million times on this blog, is pulling it together, and I believe her husband Ewin Williams is running the session. This is a very good thing - Ewin was the one who taught me to ride the Madison way back when, and I've never been slung harder. Apart from that time that Benny Ladner slung me into the race and told me, "It's the last lap of your life!" We still didn't win.

All are welcome at this session - Monique explicitly stated that no one wanting to try track would be turned away, because she's rad as all get out and inclusive by nature, but in my invitations I've had to add in a couple of prerequisites. The first is that you'll need your own track bikes, with drops, no brakes, and somewhere between 80 and 90 gear inches. Your fixie will do just fine with those slight changes. But you will also need some experience on the track. A Madison Sling isn't a tricky thing to learn, but it means being comfortable in traffic on the track, and some skills handling your bike.

However, if you've been on the track a few times, know how to hold your line, and have a bike that fits the above description, you should come down anyways. If you're not ready to hold hands and throw people around I'll take you around and show you the ropes. Including the secret smooth line coming out of turn two.

It's funny, though, when men talk about women's cycling. And I'm not even talking about those guys who think it's somehow less than men's cycling - those guys don't even count here. I'm talking about dudes who have reached the basic assumption that women's cycling is rad and that women can be excellent cyclists. I know that seems a little entry-level, but it's a level a lot of dudes haven't entered yet. I'm going to assume those dudes don't read this blog though, because, well, I just assume those dudes can't read.

Even dudes who have reached those assumptions still get it wrong occasionally. I'm no exception to this rule - hell, I'm part of a world that tells me that my opinions and values are at the centre, and that all others are capital-O Other somehow, and as hard as I work to avoid those ways of thinking, I fuck up too. One way in particular I fuck up is by occasionally treating women cyclists as an amorphous mass, lumping them all together, regardless of interests or skill level or experience. If there's a women's cycling event I'll invite every woman cyclist I know, in a way that I don't always do with dudes. With dudes I'll be like "Nah, that guy only rides CX, that guy only rides a fixie, they don't wanna come to the track." But with women I'm like, "Hey, they're a girl, and they ride a bike!" I dunno, perhaps this is due to some misguided notion that women want to support women's events, but even that is problematic. Why the hell should women want to support an event based on a political standpoint? Why shouldn't they just support events because those events are rad, that they pertain to their interests, that the events are something they want to do? 

Perhaps I'm overthinking it. It wouldn't be the first time, and probably won't be the last. But perhaps I'm not. Perhaps I'm not thinking about it enough.

Here's my final Roundup thought for the week. I talk to kids a lot about the way they treat people. In health class, I sometimes have to do sex ed. In most schools sex ed consists of three topics: how babies are made; how not to make babies; and how not to get a red lump that is not a baby. In our sex ed classes we do go over those three topics, but only briefly - generally they've been done to death before the kids come to us. Those three topics are the first three lessons. The next ten lessons are on consent. They're on power. They're on values, on ethics and morality, on how to make sure you're not trampling all over the person you want to be with. The number one thing I want these kids to take away from these lessons is that they have to be certain. Certain that they are doing something they want to do, and certain that the other person is also doing something they want to do. "If you're not certain," I tell them, "Don't do it." (We also, with more mature classes, sometimes brainstorm ways of asking for consent without breaking the mood, but that usually gets awkward pretty quickly). I'm not sure if any of them listen, if those words affect their decisions when they're in the heat of the moment, but if one of them remembers any of them I've won a small battle.

I kinda feel like it's the same with all of our interactions. That we need to be certain. I'm as guilty as anyone of blundering into situations and being a total jerk - even a sexist jerk. But I feel like if we listen to individuals, and are certain that they're certain, the chances of being sexist jerks - or hell, any kind of jerk - is lessened considerably.

Well, at least, I hope so.

Art Of Almost.

A guest post from Dingus Dave, whose nickname I don't understand, because he's a rad dude who has totally forgiven me for being such a dick in highschool.

About ten years back I was in a TAB on Lygon St on the morning of the Melbourne Cup. I was going through the form guide, pretending to know what the hell I was looking at, when legendary Essendon footy coach Kevin Sheedy came in.

“Hey Sheeds, got a tip for me?”

“Sure do young fella; don’t bet.”

He’s a wise man that Sheeds.

I was watching Milan San Remo a while back with Brendan and a few other New Timer friends, when I mentioned I’d backed Cavendish for the win. And also put some money on Sagan. And a few dollars on Cancellara just to cover the other two bets. Oh, and a couple of dollars on Haussler as an outsider. The boys were a little taken aback. I don’t think betting on cycling had really occurred to them as something you could do. But in the last few years sports betting has gone a little crazy, and although cycling is a long way behind the football codes (which is probably a good thing), there’s still the opportunity to pick up a few sneaky dollars watching what can at times be, let’s be honest, pretty boring.

But let me just say, I’m bad at gambling. I have an online account with one of the betting agencies sure, but it’s in my wife’s name. When we each started an account on Melbourne Cup day a few years back with $50, in order to get a free $100 bet that was on offer, I quickly chewed through the cash in my account and she was nice enough to let me take over hers.

There’s one thing you shouldn’t do when you bet, and that’s bet with your heart, yet I continue to back the Tigers in loss after loss, year after year. The account was down to its last $10 early last year, so I placed one last bet, telling myself if it didn’t pay out then that’d be it, no more gambling. Once again I ignored all logic and this time backed Cadel to win Le Tour. I talked myself into it by thinking Contador would be shagged after the Giro and that Schlek can’t timetrial, probably because his brother’s not there next to him. Cadel gets the win, I pick up $190 and fool myself into thinking I’m pretty awesome at this gambling thing.

But gambling on cycling is crazy. If you’re pretty sure someone is going to win, then their odds are likely to be pretty short. For example, Cavendish was paying around $1.60 to win the first stage of the Giro. Me, I put a sneaky dollar on Goss (they’re always sneaky), because, well, he’s an Aussie and I’d rather cheer for him than Cav (don’t tell Brendan I’m patriotically cheering for GreenEdge or I won’t be invited back to the New Timer). Also, he was paying $15, which I thought was way above the odds for someone who was coming into good form (see Tour of Turkey results) and has shown he can be just as fast as Cavendish (see last year’s World Champs). Of course, I lost my dollar.

And, if you wanna throw your money away in a more ludicrous manner, then multibets are for you my friends. This week, I combined my ridiculous love of backing the Tigers with a cycling punt, and put $5 on the Tiges to beat Port Adelaide (score!), into Ivan Basso to win the Giro. Richmond were paying $1.80, Basso $4.50, giving a payout of around $40 on my $5 layout. The burritos will be on me James!

But what I’m getting interested in now is having a punt on amateur cycling. There was a bookie at the Austral the other month, and there was something oddly satisfying about putting $2 on Duggan to win knowing full well there was pretty much zero chance of this happening, especially given he was riding for Olly Phillips.  And so I got to wondering; traditionally Australians love a punt so I’m guessing that there would have been bookies at a lot of amateur track racing through the years, taking bets on the handicaps. And in these handicaps, it would have been pretty common for the guys racing to agree before the race who was riding for who and who’d be in the chop. But were they backing each other on the tote? Are there stories of betting plunges and dudes throwing races back in the day?

I’m gonna try and find out some of this cycling history for you folks. Leave it with me.

Also, listen to Kevin Sheedy, he wasn’t always crazy.

Unless you think Sheeds was always crazy, in which case get on Vincenzo Nibali each way for Le Tour. He’s paying $26 for the win, and $5 just to make the podium. If you don’t have faith in Wiggins’ ability to stay upright for three weeks, or Cadel’s ability to stay healthy for more than a few days, then Nibali is your man.

I Want To Reach Out And Touch The Sky.

Hey, I totally should begin by apologising for this edition of "xBBx and FJ Talk Pro Cycling" being so late, but I'm not going to. Wanna know why? I'll tell you why. Because FJ just moved into New Timer House! These are exciting times indeed. If we could convince Sean the Man to move in we'd be all set forever.

So that means, of course, that this edition of "Talk Pro Cycling" is coming to you live, as determined by my slow typing. FJ has made some tea, we're sitting around the kitchen table and talking shit about bikes and the slightly nerdy individuals who ride them. It's a totally rad time.

B: So, FJ, welcome to the newest edition of "xBBx and FJ Talk Pro Cycling." How's it going?

FJ: Glad to be here Brenno.  Thanks for driving all my shit over in your sweet station wagon.  Sorry my parking was so atrocious.  The best bit was when you were so stoked about my copy of Volume 4 on vinyl.

B: I expect that as the week progresses I'll be reacquainted with a number of my old hardcore records and we'll both rediscover how much we love Metallica. Neither of those things explains why we're currently listening to The Beat, but whatever.

So, on to Pro Cycling - and, funnily enough, on the topic of English subcultures, you've recently declared yourself a fan of Tour of Romandie winner Bradley Wiggins. Are you jumping on the bandwagon here, FJ? Or just recognizing that he looks the goods at the moment?

FJ: As if there's a Wiggo bandwagon.  Nah, I'd like to say I have studied his results and have thus concluded that he is the man to beat.  But, really, I just saw an interview he did on cycling tips, and found him so funny and normal, I simply had to like him.  Telling journalists to come up with better questions next time?  Legendary.

As well as that, he seems like he has confidence in himself.  I'm always being told by older racers that I need to have more confidence in my own ability.  Wiggins looks like he might have just that.

I still think his ankles are fucked though.

B: What's wrong with his ankles?

FJ: OMG HAVE YOU SEEN HOW FUCKING SKINNY THEY ARE?  They are like chicken legs but skinnier.   I have my doubts as to whether they can win a grand tour.

B: This is my other doubt about Wiggins: He seems to crash a little bit. While I know there's a lot of luck involved in winning a tour, and that he can't be held responsible all of the time, I think there are times he's not concentrating 100%. There, I said it. He's probably busy wondering how he can get his hair to look more like Paul Weller's.

Hey, I think the Giro is starting soon. Any thoughts?

FJ: How a race that copies another race ever got off the ground is beyond me.  The organisers have spent decades trying  to convince everyone that the glory of the Giro is in itself a great thing.  Who the fuck are they fooling?  At the end of the day, the winner has to wear a pink jersey.  That's all their credibility gone right there.  You could summit eight five mountain passes in the blinding fog, and still be a loser, because you end the day in a pink cardigan.  Bugger that.  The only thing worse than that is the Tour of South West jersey which, by the way, I only saw from a distance.  I can confirm though, that it was hideous.

In regards to the actual race, Basso seems real keen to win it.  He probably will.  Dude can ride. 

But, to be honest, I'll probably just read updates in the morning, then pretend I watched it on TV.  Hey, when do we get our TV?  I have X Files to watch.

B: I dunno. If Fixed.Org doesn't come through by the end of the week I reckon I'll just hit up Myers and try to steal one. Sometimes it's easier to steal from Myers than it is to find the cash register. Sometimes I get the impression that the organizers of the Giro feel the same way - they steal some of the riders from the Tour, avoid paying as much prize money, and everyone seems to have a better time.

Hey FJ, did you read about Nicholas Roche talking about how cycling needs to clean up its image by clamping down on unzipped jerseys?

FJ: Who the fuck is Nicholas Roche?

B: Stephen Roche's son.

FJ: Who the fuck is Steven Roche?

B: Some guy who used to ride his bike a bit. And Nicholas Roche is the guy who hasn't ever won anything halfway important, but still managed to write an autobiography.

Incidentally, I nearly married a girl from the UK whose last name was Roche. I wonder if they were related. I'd ring her up, but let's just say that I wouldn't get through.

FJ: Oh right.  I just knew him as old mate.  I'm deeply suspicious of sporting autobiographies, let alone sports people who haven't done anything.  Unless you're Bertrand Russell, or Muhammad Ali, no one gives a shit.

As for zipping up jerseys, I'm the opposite.  Nothing says awesome like a rider going uphill with their jersey unzipped.  I know I had mine billowing in the breeze at the Baw Baw classic a few weeks back.  Though 'billowing' might be a little misleading, as it implies speed.  I climbed that mountain so slowly, my jersey looked like a flag in the eye of a storm.

If Roche is so concerned about sponsors getting their money's worth, by making sure jerseys are zipped up, maybe he should start winning first.  Cos ain't no one watching the douche bag rolling through in 39th place, with his zip caught in his five o'clock shadow.

B: Hey, I see Mark Renshaw is going to the Giro. What do you make of that? Do you reckon he won't ride The Tour? Does this mean he's not up to getting up in the Cav v Goss show?

FJ: Let's be honest here.  He wasn't gonna be up there in the Cav v Goss show anyway, even if he was there.  Ever seen anyone win in orange?  Good on him for giving the Giro a crack.  I'm sure he'll love the eighty thousand metres of vertical climbing.

B: Yeah, I think his early years training as a track sprinter are really going to help with that.

FJ: Nothing like doing keirins to help with trying to chase Ivan Basso after he's got the scent of a prosciutto panini into his nostrils.  Listen carefully during the mountain stages.  You might just hear old mate Mark pop from Fitzroy.

B: Well FJ, I think that might do for tonight. Anything else you wanna ad?

FJ: Yeh, man, you sure have a lot of Crimethinc books.  I might read one.

B: Shut up, dick.

Got Your Confront Face On Your Flickr Page.

Welcome all to another edition of "Brendan and FJ talk Pro Cycling". After the shenanigans of the Track World Champs, the rollercoaster of FJ's training regime and the melancholia of Brendan's return to his hometown, the two have finally decided to cast their critical and dubiously analytical eye upon the comings and goings in the pro peloton.

B: So hey FJ, how's it going? Were you really "out"?

FJ: OATH I was.  First i was at work.  Then I rode the Tour De Burbs loop in forty five minutes. That was partly due to Matty Gray being on the front.  Then i went to the Tramway hotel for a delicious vegan burger.  That said, considering I already ate three feet of Afghani flat bread at work, it was probably overkill.

But yeh, feeling pretty good for Baw Baw.  How are you?

B: I'm pretty good. Been hanging out with my parents for a week, which, after hanging out with world-class athletes all week, is a bit of a comedown. I keep wanting to ask them how much they squat, or what music they listen to, or about their sweet training regimes. But I already know their answers: nothing at all; neil diamond; my dad plays golf. So, before we get on to the Pro Cyclists, tell us, what have you been doing in preparation for Baw Baw?

FJ: Well, other than shitting my pants, I've spent the last month during strength endurance stuff, in an attempt to make up for having stopped going to the gym.  So there was a lot of Humevale and similar climbs in the 53/12 kinda gearing.  I raced the last lot of crits, tried to get in breakaways and stuff. Just worked my ass off for a month basically.

This week I've kept it pretty simple.  Quick ride to Mordi yesterday with Duggan with a few efforts, TDB today with mates, nothing tomorrow, then an easy roll on Saturday, ready for Sunday.  

I mean, it is me we're talking about, so at best i might hold on through the neutral section.  I'd consider that a small victory.

I'm still scared, but I have a 27 tooth sprocket now, so maybe I will survive.

B: Well, fingers crossed. As a delightful segue, who in the pro peloton do you think your style is most similar to?


FJ: Well, of course I'd like to say Boonen, but I never win, and I can't breakaway, and I've never done cocaine.

Probably someone like Hincapie.  Plugs it out, all the time.  Never wins, but helps people to do so, and sometimes his fork steerer snaps.

Then, one day, he wins, and it's awesome.  Fingers crossed.

Who do you think you're most similar too?

B: I like to think I'm a bit like Eddie Boassen-Hagen, in that I can get to the end of hard races and then win the sprint. But like Eddie B-H, there's some suggestion that I won't ever live up to my potential.

Anyways, on the topic of Boonen, Hincapie and stuff that breaks, did you watch the Roubaix?

FJ: The cobbly one?

B: Yeah

FJ: Nah I was asleep, cos I was off to suss out the Baw Baw course the next day (very hilly and cold and raining btw).  As well as that, everyone told me that Boonen was going to win, so I couldn't see much point in watching it.

I'm told he broke away with something like 560km to go and soloed to the finish.  Who the fuck wants to watch a time trial anyway?  What a ripoff!

That said, I'm very happy for Boonen.  He kinda disappeared for a while, and it's great to see him back in his full handsome glory.  He first won Roubaix when he was like 23-4.  That's incredible.  I can't imagine having achieved that at my age.

I'd like to say something like "It's good for the sport" but, frankly, I have no idea if it is, or what that phrase means, so I'll conclude with BOOYAH, BOONEN.

B: Yeah, it's funny, such a dominant victory doesn't leave us with much to talk about - you know, aside from making jokes about Boonen celebrating his victory by doing blow with ladies of uncertain maturity. It certainly wasn't one for the ages - pun intended! But that just makes me all the more excited for the Ardennes classics. Folks have been suggesting that Pokemon Gilbert has been foxing all this time, and is secretly hiding his scintillating form for these races. What do you reckon, FJ?

FJ: Well, for a start, I had no idea Gilbert was a pokemon.  Things you learn, etc.

In terms of hidden form, I suppose that's possible, but it sounds more like fanboys looking for excuses.  I mean, if you were in form, surely you would have a crack at Flanders or Roubaix.  These races are legendary.  Would you sacrifice them for the Ardennes?  

Maybe you would, I honestly have no idea, but I know I wouldn't.  If it was me, I would put three or four of those nose tapes that open your nostrils on my nose, wear the highest socks imaginable (while sticking it to the UCI man with their sock height rules) offer Boonen some dodgy blow to disorient him before the race, then lay some smack down over the steeper cobbly bits (here I'm assuming I have Gilbert's talent) and win that shit.

But I mean, what would I know.  I don't have any of those nose things.

For me, I don't care about the winning.  It's all about the atmosphere of those early races.  The fog, the hilarious pre-race beanies, the full length knicks, the tendency for Hincapie's fork steerer to break.  It's all part of the ambience: it says spring is coming, and summer is just around the corner.

That kinda helps while I'm stuck over here racing Northern Combine, being shelled from the back in the crosswinds.

B: Dave Hogan told me he had those nose things when he was sick as a kid, and they really helped him sleep. I'd be up for that.

So, speaking of summer, cast your eyes ahead to the Grand Tours for us. Who can you see firing this year?

FJ: Given that I am a Grand Tour oracle, write this shit down, so you remember it for the bookies.

These are my predicted winners for the three Tours and my reasons:

Giro: Ivan Basso.  He is Italian so will have the home ground advantage.  Like when Carlton used to play at Optus Oval.  

Tour: Cadel by a whisker, with Bradely Wiggins snapping at his heels.  Schlecks too busy crashing while descending, and being about as aero as a badger.

Vuelta: Assuming the Basque separatist revolution that will no doubt be created when one of the Euskatel riders manages to not come last doesn't spill out into the surrounding Spanish country side, I will hazard a guess at Valverde.  Dude is back riding, which is all i know.  He is also Spanish, which means he probably can take the heat better.  Also, I don't know any other riders.

As an aside, and given I am a patriot, I will briefly mention GreenEdge.  I think they will win a stage, probably on Bastille Day, just to piss the french off.  It will be like when McEwan won his first Tour stage on the last day of the Tour in 99: "Anyone who said I couldn't do it can stick it up their ass!".

B: Consider it written down! Speaking of GreenEDGE, what do you think of the new wave of former track cyclists who are now making their way into the team? Cam Meyer has just announced that he's going to concentrate on the road from now on, Leigh Howard is likely to do the same, and Jack Bobridge will definitely do likewise after the London Olympics. What do you reckon about these superstars from the track finally giving their all to road racing?

FJ: Well look at all the old trackies that turned into awesome roadies! Mcgee, OGrady, to name but a few. It makes sense. All the money and glory is on the road. Track gives you great form and hipster cred. But the real legends are born on the road. Which basically means there is fuckloads more money to make, and the quality of the podium champagne is probably better.

What I'm excited about is the GreenEDGE womens team. I was reading a Bicycling Australia (who still dedicate their publication to the glory of God. Guys, he doesn't give a fuck about the new Bianchi. He's try to propagate hate in the East) magazine while on the toilet today, and I was learning about the squad. They look like a really solid team, and have apparently been given a great deal of support. I'm as guilty as any other guy of failing to support women's racing as much as I should, so i'll be looking out for them, seeing what they can do on the world stage.

Also one of them (sorry i can't remember her name) has amazing legs.

B: Oh, FJ, you were doing so well...

So, it's late and I'm tired... Anything you wanna add before we call it a night?

FJ: Yeh, I know, I'm sorry. I tried to say that without sounding like a sexist bastard, but clearly I failed. I'd just like to say thanks again for the World Cup reports, they were great. If cycling could ever put me on the edge of my seat, it would be your reports that did it.

Finally, if I perish on the Baw Baw climb, you can have my record collection. It's mainly metal, but there is a Refused one you probably already have, But you can sell it if you like.

Thanks for the chat, X files would have been boring without it. Totally a filler episode!

B: S'all good brother! Good luck this weekend!