Thursday, May 3, 2012

I Want To Reach Out And Touch The Sky.

Hey, I totally should begin by apologising for this edition of "xBBx and FJ Talk Pro Cycling" being so late, but I'm not going to. Wanna know why? I'll tell you why. Because FJ just moved into New Timer House! These are exciting times indeed. If we could convince Sean the Man to move in we'd be all set forever.

So that means, of course, that this edition of "Talk Pro Cycling" is coming to you live, as determined by my slow typing. FJ has made some tea, we're sitting around the kitchen table and talking shit about bikes and the slightly nerdy individuals who ride them. It's a totally rad time.

B: So, FJ, welcome to the newest edition of "xBBx and FJ Talk Pro Cycling." How's it going?

FJ: Glad to be here Brenno.  Thanks for driving all my shit over in your sweet station wagon.  Sorry my parking was so atrocious.  The best bit was when you were so stoked about my copy of Volume 4 on vinyl.

B: I expect that as the week progresses I'll be reacquainted with a number of my old hardcore records and we'll both rediscover how much we love Metallica. Neither of those things explains why we're currently listening to The Beat, but whatever.

So, on to Pro Cycling - and, funnily enough, on the topic of English subcultures, you've recently declared yourself a fan of Tour of Romandie winner Bradley Wiggins. Are you jumping on the bandwagon here, FJ? Or just recognizing that he looks the goods at the moment?

FJ: As if there's a Wiggo bandwagon.  Nah, I'd like to say I have studied his results and have thus concluded that he is the man to beat.  But, really, I just saw an interview he did on cycling tips, and found him so funny and normal, I simply had to like him.  Telling journalists to come up with better questions next time?  Legendary.

As well as that, he seems like he has confidence in himself.  I'm always being told by older racers that I need to have more confidence in my own ability.  Wiggins looks like he might have just that.

I still think his ankles are fucked though.

B: What's wrong with his ankles?

FJ: OMG HAVE YOU SEEN HOW FUCKING SKINNY THEY ARE?  They are like chicken legs but skinnier.   I have my doubts as to whether they can win a grand tour.

B: This is my other doubt about Wiggins: He seems to crash a little bit. While I know there's a lot of luck involved in winning a tour, and that he can't be held responsible all of the time, I think there are times he's not concentrating 100%. There, I said it. He's probably busy wondering how he can get his hair to look more like Paul Weller's.

Hey, I think the Giro is starting soon. Any thoughts?

FJ: How a race that copies another race ever got off the ground is beyond me.  The organisers have spent decades trying  to convince everyone that the glory of the Giro is in itself a great thing.  Who the fuck are they fooling?  At the end of the day, the winner has to wear a pink jersey.  That's all their credibility gone right there.  You could summit eight five mountain passes in the blinding fog, and still be a loser, because you end the day in a pink cardigan.  Bugger that.  The only thing worse than that is the Tour of South West jersey which, by the way, I only saw from a distance.  I can confirm though, that it was hideous.

In regards to the actual race, Basso seems real keen to win it.  He probably will.  Dude can ride. 

But, to be honest, I'll probably just read updates in the morning, then pretend I watched it on TV.  Hey, when do we get our TV?  I have X Files to watch.

B: I dunno. If Fixed.Org doesn't come through by the end of the week I reckon I'll just hit up Myers and try to steal one. Sometimes it's easier to steal from Myers than it is to find the cash register. Sometimes I get the impression that the organizers of the Giro feel the same way - they steal some of the riders from the Tour, avoid paying as much prize money, and everyone seems to have a better time.

Hey FJ, did you read about Nicholas Roche talking about how cycling needs to clean up its image by clamping down on unzipped jerseys?

FJ: Who the fuck is Nicholas Roche?

B: Stephen Roche's son.

FJ: Who the fuck is Steven Roche?

B: Some guy who used to ride his bike a bit. And Nicholas Roche is the guy who hasn't ever won anything halfway important, but still managed to write an autobiography.

Incidentally, I nearly married a girl from the UK whose last name was Roche. I wonder if they were related. I'd ring her up, but let's just say that I wouldn't get through.

FJ: Oh right.  I just knew him as old mate.  I'm deeply suspicious of sporting autobiographies, let alone sports people who haven't done anything.  Unless you're Bertrand Russell, or Muhammad Ali, no one gives a shit.

As for zipping up jerseys, I'm the opposite.  Nothing says awesome like a rider going uphill with their jersey unzipped.  I know I had mine billowing in the breeze at the Baw Baw classic a few weeks back.  Though 'billowing' might be a little misleading, as it implies speed.  I climbed that mountain so slowly, my jersey looked like a flag in the eye of a storm.

If Roche is so concerned about sponsors getting their money's worth, by making sure jerseys are zipped up, maybe he should start winning first.  Cos ain't no one watching the douche bag rolling through in 39th place, with his zip caught in his five o'clock shadow.

B: Hey, I see Mark Renshaw is going to the Giro. What do you make of that? Do you reckon he won't ride The Tour? Does this mean he's not up to getting up in the Cav v Goss show?

FJ: Let's be honest here.  He wasn't gonna be up there in the Cav v Goss show anyway, even if he was there.  Ever seen anyone win in orange?  Good on him for giving the Giro a crack.  I'm sure he'll love the eighty thousand metres of vertical climbing.

B: Yeah, I think his early years training as a track sprinter are really going to help with that.

FJ: Nothing like doing keirins to help with trying to chase Ivan Basso after he's got the scent of a prosciutto panini into his nostrils.  Listen carefully during the mountain stages.  You might just hear old mate Mark pop from Fitzroy.

B: Well FJ, I think that might do for tonight. Anything else you wanna ad?

FJ: Yeh, man, you sure have a lot of Crimethinc books.  I might read one.

B: Shut up, dick.


nexus said...

I hope you guys are talking pre-Napster controversy Metallica. Anything after that brings up a bit of vomit.

Anonymous said...

Very good as always, but not as offensive as usual. A bit disappointed.

Anonymous said...

i love you fj