Stand Up Straight.

You know what pisses me off no end?'

People who don't clean their bikes.  

To clarify, I don't care if you don't clean your shitty bike.  You should see my sweet fixie.  The drive train looks like Mordor.  But that's ok, because it's my pub bike.  

But when you drop money on a bike of reasonable quality, you owe it to yourself as well as the bike, to at least give it a clean every now and then.  This is especially true if it's your race bike.  A clean bike is a fast bike.

So, on this given Heavy Metal Monday, I'll pass on some brief instructions as to how to give your bike a quick clean.  Please note that everyone has their own way of cleaning bikes.  If you disagree, or have a better way, then leave an angry or indignant comment.

First, you put on some music.  I would probably put on some Motorhead or something, but you can play the Smiths if you have to.

Next, chuck your bike in your bike stand.  If you're not lucky enough to have a bike stand, you can hang the nose of the saddle from the cloths line.  It works fine.  Assuming of course you have a good quality cloths line.

Right, so now you just wet your bike with the hose.  Don't hit it with too much pressure, just a gentle stream.  After that, hit the drive train with some kind of degreaser.  There are lots of eco friendly ones that don't do a good job.  Up to you.  Have a clean bike, or save the planet.  I use a strong citrus based engine cleaner.  Spray it all over the cluster and move the chain back a a bit so that's covered too.  Let that sit for a few minutes.  As you wait, spray your frame and wheels with some kind of soapy water or similar.  

After a few minutes, run the hose over the whole bike (careful of that pressure) and make sure all the degreaser and soapy water is gone.  If you have done it right, your chain should be sparkling.  If it isn't, the environment is thanking you.

Now all you have to do is clean the bike down with a dry rag.  This gets rid of any  grease smears that might still be hanging around, and also prevents the water from rusting any of the metal.  After that, dab some oil on your chain.  Not much though.  And be sure to wipe off any excess, so it doesn't go splattering off in different directions, spoiling your nice clean bike.  Rule of thumb: if you can see lube, it isn't doing anything useful.  So wipe it off.

There you go.  Your bike is now clean and ready to ride/race/go shopping on.  

But the Motorhead record still has heaps to go, so you should just stay outside and party.